Bikers1 - Stormin' The Castle 2006

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One eye open, the mass drums of the 'Pishing Rain Pipe Band' beats the tent monotonously, bugger, pull the sleeping bag back o'er yer hied, if ye ignore it it might go away.

The rain however was unremitting, oh well, plan for the day, poke three holes in a bin bag, that'll get me to the bar dry.

The 'roads' aka churned muddy bits between the grass, were proving a challenge to all and sundry who were determined to venture off-site, the rain didn't dampen anyone's spirits, Hurrah, mine were in an impermeable container. To quote the 'Big Yin', 'There's no such thing as bad weather, only the wrong clothes'.

Having slept soundly on the wrong shoulder (Grommit), I was in a lot of pain, luckily in these situations and with the general age demographic and medical history of most bikers who frequent rallies, a wide and varied assortment of painkilling pharmecuticals were helpfully proffered in my direction, following a heady mix of tramadol and ibuprofen my collar bone didn't hurt anymore, a contra-indication of this mix however was the sudden desire to inspect the weave of my sleeping bag hood very closely.

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Setting Up Camp

Upon arrival you should select a suitable pitch and direct your man to erect your tent with a southerly aspect, preferably with a nice view. Now is a good time to enjoy a gin and tonic and perhaps a cigarillo. Introduce yourself to your neighbours, offer your man's assistance to erect their tents in a spirit of cameraderie ! After all, it does no harm to extend the hand of friendship to our fellow brethern.

Appropriate Dress

Whilst flannels and Blazer are acceptable in almost every situation, it should be noted that the weather in t'north is often unpredictable and it may rain/have been raining, or be about to rain. With this in mind, ensure that you rman has packed your hunting tweeds, spats and cape. A waxed Fedora, rather than the mor formal Tribly, will keep the worst of the weather from spoiling your moustache.

The persistent pingly pongly ringtone of my mobile woke me, gink !, 4:15pm, crap, I'm supposed to be up judging the bike show with Blue and Eddie, I grab the camera and break the world muddy crap 300 meter freestyle running record arriving somewhat peched much to the amusement of Tim and my fellow judges.

The inclement (read shitty) weather had resulted in only 60 entries into the custom show, This presented somewhat something of a challenge to us as there were 18 categories and 5 'Highly Commended' results to fill, and not to forget the 'Can't be arsed/I'm a big jesse/me shiny kit chop might get dirty/I can't actually ride this thing' (delete as applicable) Award, the job of wandering the site and selecting a winner fell to Scobby and Jules.

There were 'noteable interest' entries (those with no current tax disc and/or were not ridden onto site). One of these being Stonedski kev's 'Chariot', him resplendent in plastic chest armour and plastic sword, having broke the front sprocket taking the ignition exciter off, replaced it to get to site then losing his cdi box, Tank helpfully towed him in with a quad. Dom's Chris Ireland built 'Dr Who' six wheeler tike was erm, eh, different, it'll be interesting to see it once he's restored it, a piece of triking history perhaps.

Tim had created a new and welcome category this year, 'young builder under 25'. if they'd had that category last year I could have applied (ahem, cough)

Despite the reduced number of entries there several very notable entries. The best of which was Robbie's Harley minimal lowrider, no tat, bells, whistles, arlen mess bolt on bits or anything, it was just 'right as right can be' in my opinion. Robbie did inform me that he could go 30 miles on the tank, practical too then :-)

Following the awards I'd hoped to catch Neu2, kinda acoustic folk U2 who were highly recommended, but as usual I got waylaid and missed them.

'Grumpy Old Men' and 'Shovelmouth' pre-empted the appearance of 'The Levellers', a band with a large and loyal following who's energy ridden live show impressed many folk who'd never even heard of them or perhaps never seen them live.

Watching the crowd from the pit, row after row of folk were all singing along with the songs including, for me at least, but I suspect many others, 'One Way', "There's only one way of life", bugger, it still makes the hairs on me neck stand up after all these years. In all these years of doing and covering Stoming, this was by far the best atmosphere in the big tent engendered by any band, almost like the 'Barrowlands'. Ye better get busy Veece, ye've upped the ante now mate :-)

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Dining

You will doubtless wish to sample the local cuisine. Catering is normally provided by whimsical folk who sell local produce from their gaily painted caravans. Your are unlikely to find devilled kidneys, eggs benedict or even kedgeree on the the bill of fare, however a reasonably priced local equivalent should be available. Book your table early to ensure the most advantageous view. In the unlikely event that there is no matre d'hotel to take your cape and swagger stick, these should be entrusted to your man for the duration of the repast.

Bacchanalia

Following your meal, your may (bearing in mind your limited supply of Pimm's) be drwan towards the nearest watering hole. There is rarely waiter service at these establishments, therefore select a comfortable table, not too near the orchestra pit and instruct one's man to queue at the bar for a glass of the local brew. Try to engage other patrons in conversation; affect a smile and perhaps share your Hunstman's Shag with them. Should your man return from the bar with a fine single Speyside, it will accompay your Meerschaum admirably.

The Fairer Sex

It has, from time to time, been known for ladies to try their hand at camping. Upon encountering a lady, doff your Fedora and wish them a good day. Even the homeliest of ladies will appreciate this gesture.

Lavatories

When performing ablutions, remember that ladies may be wating to use the facilities. With this in mind, try to keep your occupancy of the bathroom to a maximum of one hour. At a push you may even get away with only waxing your moustache once a day. Hair pomade may, quite acceptably, be applied al-fresco. Remember you are 'roughing it'.

I do believe things happened between this point and awakening on Sunday morning, however, as Mr (we're the world's police) Bush repeats often, 'I have no recollection of this matter', I do suspect in fairness however that his loss of recall was no caused by overindulgence in partying.

So there it is, wild, random cluttered mutterings and recollections laid down, a hell of a party.

Leave only to say a huge thanks to everyone involved for making this the best Stormin' yet, that's my opinion anyway :-)

Till next year..................

Words & Pics by Al, Thanks to Andy (he's no right) for the 'Camping Etiquette Guide'

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